


Void

by t0talcha0s



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Binge Drinking, Drinking to Cope, Roxy monologues on her balcony, Roxy's POV, The ships are past and not even important
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-20
Updated: 2014-09-20
Packaged: 2018-02-18 03:58:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2334434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/t0talcha0s/pseuds/t0talcha0s
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A mother remembers the past, though she wishes she didn't and reflects on the present.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Void

Your lungs burn with smoke, and you think it's the realist thing you've felt in a while. The bite at the back of your throat, raw and now the heat of smoke irritating it. Sometimes you need the pain, makes you feel human again. But you haven't really felt human for a while. The sky is beautiful, that first burst of blues and oranges of early morning.  Two of your lovers sitting in the sky. They're gone now, your chest aches for them. You don't even know where either of them are. You smile, but it means nothing. You rest your arms upon the railing of your balcony, finishing your cigarette and snuffing it in the ash tray. Your head aches, it's heavy and stings with the reminder of your cowardice. And you are a coward, truly, no noble person would be standing on their balcony considering when they can begin drinking again, after they just vomited. You usually attempt to validate your drinking. But this early morning briskness must be bringing you some clarity.

 

Drinking to forget is a stupid phrase, incorrect. You haven't forgotten anything. Every memory is there, you could recall almost every detail. It Was the pain the drifted away when drunk. Leaving behind a less then pleasant sting when you dared to think about it. Your head aches even more now and the emptiness that's always sat in your chest churns. You sigh, but the action seems planned, like it's something you're just supposed to do. You feel like that a lot. Like your life is scripted. You're just fulfilling your role in some melancholy play. Sick play-write. You sigh, but it comes out as sort of a bouncing laugh of an exhale. The sky is shifted to a soft pink. It reminds you of her eyes. It makes you smile, wider a truer smile then before.

 

You love her, truly you do. More then anyone you've loved before. You can't even yourself fathom words for your love for her. The light of your life, you wish you could provide something better then this void you've forced her to grow up within. It suits you, you welcomed it, but she seems to be swallowed by it. You wish she had a happy life. A life where she was spoiled and could live with normal parents. Wish you didn't promise to keep her, because it stings to see her grow up under these circumstances. You're no mother. You can't be. And she deserves so much more. She's old enough to see how horrid of a mother you are. And you can't bear to face her.

 

She deserves a family with a good school, white picket fence, people realising and nurturing her genius, but she has you. She has you instead of a good life, and she is destined to grow up with the very same void you have. The very same hurt and pain and fear ad she deserves so very much more. A tear falls from your eye and hits the wood of the railing as you hang your head. You are ashamed, all you want is a good life for her.

 

Maybe drinking to forget isn't such a stupid phrase, because all you want to do is drink until you know longer feel this overwhelming guilt and pain and shame. She's the light of your life, and you don't deserve her.

 

You sigh and turn to walk swiftly off the balcony and into the house. You grab a random bottle off the nearest surface. You hold it to the sky in a toast, tears beginning to fall more rapidly.

 

"To the light of dawn." Your voice breaks.

 

And you drink.

**Author's Note:**

> God i don't mean to keep making all of these sad! And why is it so short! I'll try to write longer. Jane or Dirk is next i'll try to make one of them happy. As usual point out any mistakes.
> 
> kudos and comments are adored! 
> 
> I'm on tumblr at Barefootcosplayer send me a message (i'd also toally do requests if you're interested! ^_^) 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
